today marks forty days til i turn forty years old. a while back, in an anticipation of this approaching milestone, i set some goals for myself. some spiritual and intellectual. i wanted to read the entire Bible in one year: almost check. i wanted to read fifty books in a year: at forty-nine with almost two months to go (okay, so several of those were young adult fiction but, hey. a books a book, people. back off).
some of my goals were physical and frankly a bit vain. i wanted to be at a certain weight (no way am i telling). i wanted to be able to run a 10k (currently running a 5k plus at the approximate speed of a sloth but running nonetheless.) and i wanted to be able to do forty pushups (this one might involved so called “girl pushups” and the need for a crane. the jury is still out.). i might have overestimated the abilities of a four decade old body a wee bit, so i have had to shift some expectations with regards to my physical goals. currently i am ignoring the scale and saying that if i can suck in really hard and stand the sight of my naked body in the mirror we are good.
the final goal i set was to celebrate my birthday in some meaningful way. i am not a center of attention kind of person. granted, i have a blog which is dedicated to sharing my thoughts and feelings but here i can hide behind my computer screen. the thought of well-meaning friends gathering to singing happy birthday has me metaphorically running for the door. i nearly pass out when our pastor reads my prayer requests out loud.
i still wanted to mark “the big day”, however, but how? then i saw some random posting on people celebrating their birthdays through acts of kindness. what a great way to celebrate life!
so i set out to make a plan, mapping out forty days of service. with a limited budget, i am not able to do some of the cool things i saw online. no buying the office starbucks or delivering balloons to everyone on my street. i decided to stick with what i do best, words. i decided to write letters to a bunch of people who represent where i have been, where i am and where i hope to be. people who have helped me get this far.
and here is where i started to get embarrassed. most days i can handle the wrinkles and the belly fat. i have embraced my increasingly finite amounts of energy and decreased tolerance for boy bands. but when i stopped to consider the seemingly endless number of people who have nurtured and supported me over the years, it was truly an embarrassment of riches. i got to 26 in a number of seconds and had to stop in order to make room for “bake cookies for the policemen who keep us safe” and “give suckers to kids grocery shopping with their moms.” i could have easily kept going, but i guess those people will have to wait til i turn fifty.
everywhere i look, people are telling me i should be ashamed of having reached middle age though i can’t imagine the alternative, death, does much for one’s skin tone. but when i think about reaching forty, i am overwhelmed and humbled by all those who have invested in the person i am and the person i am still becoming. forty days from now, i may still not weigh such and such (you didn’t really think i was going to tell you, did you?). i may far short of a 10k and forty pushups. but failing to meet these goals won’t be what i am embarrassed by. nor will it be the wrinkle or the belly fat. if i am embarrassed, it will be by the ridiculousness of my good fortune. it will be by the absurdity of all that has been given to me by way of support and encouragement. so while i plan to spend plenty of time over the next forty days pushing myself to reach some of the physical goals i have set, i hope to spend more time thanking just a few of those who have helped me run a much more important race.
Ah, Crab Apples! 