The Wheels on the Bus Fall Off Sometimes

holy ego-butt-kick, Batman, today has not been good. i should have seen it coming but somehow i can plan a meal calendar out til sometime after our first child leaves for college but can’t look past the rosy events of today in order to see the distinct possibility of the storm clouds tomorrow.

yesterday was one of those beautiful days where the rays of heaven bounced lightly off the homeschooling halos encircling our heads. everyone stayed on schedule. everyone mastered the material. everyone remembered to take their plate into the kitchen after lunch. today was…not that. the wheels were falling off the bus before we left the station and i am pretty sure more than one heart was bruised by the ensuing chaos.

i just took my eye off the ball for a minute, or two. or the time in which is takes to watch “extreme make-over: weight loss edition” rather than do a little extra prep last night. and then there was the kid i let stay up a little too late (in order to keep me company while watching said episode). and the kid that woke up so far from the wrong side of the bed, i think he was in someone else’s room. and then there was…etc.

it is crazy how fast all those little errors in judgement pile up. like so much dirty laundry. one day your drawers are fully stocked and before you know it, you are left with mismatched socks and the underwear that you avoid wearing cause it always gives you a wedgie.

one starts to see how easy it is to wander off the straight and narrow. i used to feel so shocked when reading the biblical accounts of any one of the number of Bible superheros that start off in such enviable positions of favor with the Lord and end up in some spiritual desert, having forsaken the path of God. i must resist the temptation to shake my head in disbelief and feel superior. my focus has been known to wander as well and i certainly have felt the desert sands beneath my feet as well.

the difference between those who lie down to die in the desert and those who make their way out is small and yet enormous, a little thing and yet everything. the difference is simply the willingness to admit to being lost. to look upward and reorient oneself and ask for directions home. the former end up as skeletons buried in the sand while the later receive the lifesaving waters of grace and mercy. but you have to ask, not once but always. not one day but everyday.

so tomorrow i will start again. and today will be a grim reminder to always look keep my eyes focused. when tempted to lose focus i will pray for the grace to know better.

“prone to wander, Lord i feel it; prone to leave the God i love. here’s my heart oh take and seal it; seal it for thy courts above.”

Minor Crisis of Faith

Today is the first day of school. Not the first day of “Okay, kids time for school! Don’t forget your lunches.” and we all rush out the door school. But “Okay, kids time for school. I’m your teacher. Here we go.” school. I wish I could tell you that I woke up this morning feeling confident and peaceful. I wish I could tell you that I jumped out of bed full of energy, ready to face the day. I did jump out of bed but only to escape the chest-crushing anxiety I had woken up with hours before.

So many voices are going through my head and most of them aren’t from my happy place. Most of them boil down to “What the heck do you think you are doing, crazy lady?!?”

Maybe you can’t identify with the specifics of my current self-induced crisis of faith (in myself). Whether you homeschool or not, have kids or not, we all doubt ourselves, right? (If I am the only one, please humor me.) Can I really do this job? Will I ever find Mr. Right? What do I do now that I have retired?

Yesterday in church, while my minds was miles away, making lists and rearranging schedules, I was struck by the fact that I was putting this all on myself. I don’t know if I can do this, emphasis on the I. But the reality is whether I can do it or not really isn’t the point. I could run my school of four with military precision, produce four shining examples of stellar academics and make muffins on the side but if it is only “me” doing it, it is meaningless. On the other hand, this year could be full of failing moments, where patience is wearing thin and nothing ever gets done when it is supposed to and somehow succeed. If only…if only I will remember. Remember to be humble. Remember to grateful. Remember to breath and show us all some grace.

It is strange that as Jesus made his way to die, someone else had to carry His cross. Strange that someone had to carry His burden in order that He might carry mine. I know I trust Christ to carry the burden of my sin but do I trust Him to carry the burden of my success? Am I willing to hand it all to Him and let Him make of my life what He will?

I guess my little of crisis of faith (in myself) was really no crisis at all. Just the realization that I can’t do it, I can’t do anything outside of Christ. But then again, why would I want to?