Today is the first day of school. Not the first day of “Okay, kids time for school! Don’t forget your lunches.” and we all rush out the door school. But “Okay, kids time for school. I’m your teacher. Here we go.” school. I wish I could tell you that I woke up this morning feeling confident and peaceful. I wish I could tell you that I jumped out of bed full of energy, ready to face the day. I did jump out of bed but only to escape the chest-crushing anxiety I had woken up with hours before.
So many voices are going through my head and most of them aren’t from my happy place. Most of them boil down to “What the heck do you think you are doing, crazy lady?!?”
Maybe you can’t identify with the specifics of my current self-induced crisis of faith (in myself). Whether you homeschool or not, have kids or not, we all doubt ourselves, right? (If I am the only one, please humor me.) Can I really do this job? Will I ever find Mr. Right? What do I do now that I have retired?
Yesterday in church, while my minds was miles away, making lists and rearranging schedules, I was struck by the fact that I was putting this all on myself. I don’t know if I can do this, emphasis on the I. But the reality is whether I can do it or not really isn’t the point. I could run my school of four with military precision, produce four shining examples of stellar academics and make muffins on the side but if it is only “me” doing it, it is meaningless. On the other hand, this year could be full of failing moments, where patience is wearing thin and nothing ever gets done when it is supposed to and somehow succeed. If only…if only I will remember. Remember to be humble. Remember to grateful. Remember to breath and show us all some grace.
It is strange that as Jesus made his way to die, someone else had to carry His cross. Strange that someone had to carry His burden in order that He might carry mine. I know I trust Christ to carry the burden of my sin but do I trust Him to carry the burden of my success? Am I willing to hand it all to Him and let Him make of my life what He will?
I guess my little of crisis of faith (in myself) was really no crisis at all. Just the realization that I can’t do it, I can’t do anything outside of Christ. But then again, why would I want to?
Ah, Crab Apples! 